On Sunday, Governor Robert Bentley took to the pages of AMG’s AL.com to demonstrate yet again how completely insulated from reality he is. In a rambling column titled “Governor Bentley wants to hear from you,” Bentley pretends like he is politically relevant, that he is not a nationwide butt of jokes and memes about awkward grandpa phone-sex and boobies, and that no grand juries or investigatory agencies are looking into potential crimes related to his ill-advised affair with former top advisor Rebekah Caldwell Mason.
The funniest (to me) part of Bentley’s oblivious article is at the end and is reflected in its title:
Now I want to hear from you. I invite you to share with me and my Administration your thoughts and ideas for what you believe will make Alabama a truly Great State. Let us hear from you at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I look forward to hearing from you. God Bless you all.
It took me ten minutes after reading that to stop chuckling enough to write this post. I mean, wow. Governor, whatever you’re smoking it must be some goooooooooood shit. You spent a term and a half ignoring what even your advisors (other than Mason) were telling you, and you certainly haven’t been listening to the people of Alabama who have suffered under your pigheaded decision to reject federally-funded Medicaid, and now you expect us to believe you actually want to hear from us? Which of us? Just toadying lickspittles like Stan Stabler? Or would you also like to hear some liberal viewpoints from my Facebook page? I plan to send a link to this article to that email address. I suspect the governor’s staff will screen the inbox and not let the Guv of Love see what people (much less Yr Stranger) actually have to say, because that might bring Bentley back to Planet Earth. Not that many will send Governor Nobody emails anyway because the guy is now irrelevant, as I’ve been saying for weeks.
Well, let’s look at the rest of our Fearless Leader’s disjointed article. As near as I can translate his turgid prose, Bentley went to the White House to a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Selma to Montgomery civil rights march and got the bright idea to compare the civil rights movement to his “Great State 2019” plan, which is mostly about Bentley’s proposed mega-prison boondoggle. Both are about “justice,” as Bentley contorts the word’s meaning with a liberal sprinkling of Bible quotes, none of which really relate to the insanely stupid idea of spending $800 million the state doesn’t have to build the world’s best prisons when we can’t even keep Medicaid minimally funded.
The heart of “Great State 2019” is pulling the people of our state out of poverty, out of dependence and out of helplessness and into newer and greater opportunities. It’s about looking at what’s wrong and figuring out how to make it right.
Well. Not really. The heart of “Great State 2019” is pulling together a big pile of state-borrowed money so the Montgomery politicos can figure out who all gets the kickbacks and how much. Bentley next lies:
It’s the pursuit of justice that has driven my Administration to take on the ambitious task to completely transform Alabama’s prison system and solve decades-old problems within our correctional institutions.
Based on what I’ve seen it’s the pursuit of the almighty dollar that has driven the Bentley administration to take on the ambitious task of convincing the Alabama Legislature to pass a bill for the state to borrow nearly a billion dollars with no feasibility studies and no specific plans and give the whole contract on a no-bid basis to a contractor of Bentley’s choosing because we all know there won’t be any corrupt money flowing out of that transaction, no sirree.
Right before his closing invitation for us all to send him emails with our opinions about his failed administration, Bentley gives us this little piece of Pollyanna:
“Great State 2019” is a bold, exciting and optimistic plan for every Alabamian. Setting things right takes time, it takes hard work, and most importantly it takes everyone pulling together in the same direction. We have made great progress in just the first half of this year, and we have many great things ahead as we work toward figuring out wrongs, and making them right.
Pure drivel. Nothing about Bentley’s plan is bold, exciting, or optimistic, and Robert Bentley’s only great progress in just the first half of this year has been to turn the rumors of his silly schoolboy affair with Mason into documented and witnessed fact by firing a key witness, Spencer Collier, who had kept the secret for over a year and only spilled the beans after the governor unwisely gave him the boot.
Governor, you said you wanted to hear from me, and here it is. If you would resign and go home to Tuscaloosa, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.